Ouch, this is one of those circumstances where you gotta bite the bullet and just wait it out. Eventually the rational side will take the upper hand.

Well, it's not as bad as it was last year.

Last year, there was a time when I walked past this woman on the subway steps for a brief moment. She was texting (or, more likely, pretending to text) and we didn't say anything to each other. In any event, this was only for a couple of seconds in a crowded stairway.

I took my train from there to the house of an OKCupid hookup, where we did the sorts of things that one does with an OKCupid hookup.

Afterward, I was lying in her arms and sweaty and breathing hard and all that I could think of was that two-second encounter on the subway steps. It kept flashing through my head like a bad summer song.

The only cure is time, and in the meantime, avoid seeing her or interacting with her at all.

The only cure is time, and in the meantime, avoid seeing her or interacting with her at all.

I agree. But Facebook isn't making it easy for me.

Facebook keeps pushing her photos at me through the "Photo Memories" feature. I'll be looking at an e-mail promoting a play, for example, and one of her photos will appear in the upper right.

Haha, that happens to me too with an ex. That's because you keep looking at her profile. Stop doing that. Seriously.

She's not that special. Nobody is. You don't feel love. You feel infatuation. Furthermore, you don't know her. Your infatuation makes you think you do. What you really know is your fantasy of what you think she is. And yeah, it's really great. So write a song about it or something. Frame it.

Now, unfriend and Facebook block her, quit following her on Twitter, whatever. Sounds like you two were not in contact for a long time... so your life was fine without her. Take her out of it again and it will be just as fine.

Hope that helps.

That's because you keep looking at her profile. Stop doing that. Seriously.

That's actually a pretty easy move because her profile -- at least, the aspects of her profile that are visible to me -- are pretty dull. Lots of "OMG! My daughter is sooooo kyoooot!" and uninspired Park Slope chatter.

There are times when I have thought to myself "Damn. If I weren't insanely in love with this woman, there's no way in hell I'd waste time on this yawn-inducing profile."

Furthermore, you don't know her. Your infatuation makes you think you do.

This isn't necessarily true, if she's an ex or was a good friend.

She's not that special. Nobody is. You don't feel love. You feel infatuation.

This isn't necessarily true, either. She could be an incredibly special person that you truly love. But the bottom - and most important - line is that she doesn't feel the same. And if you were meant to be, she would. It sucks and it feels unfair but it's life.

If breaking away is so hard maybe you should do the reverse; saturate your current penchant for unrequited love. Write for yourself how great she is. Pine for her like there is no tomorrow.
Maybe you'll suddenly realise that you're fed up with sitting inside pining for this woman.

I enjoy jouke's method- think through the fantasy until you're the one married to her, living in Park Slope, pushing the KYOOT KID around in some fancy stroller, fighting over stupid day to day stuff. Fantasy over!

If it makes you feel any better, remember the wise, sexist proverb: "For every beautiful woman, there's a man who's sick of her shit."

It's not sexist if you generalize- think of the Jon Hamm character on 30 Rock.

I've had this happen to me twice in my adult life. Neither of the methods I used to deal with the issue may apply to you, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

In the first situation, I've done all that I can to block this person from my current life - with the exception of keeping them as a Facebook friend. I know that we were great friends in the past, and could very well be in the future, so that's why I've kept him as a friend on Facebook. But we never talk, I don't follow his profile, and I actively do things to avoid situations in which I might be reminded of him. Once I feel that I'm no longer pining for him, I look forward to picking up our friendship.

In the second case, I knew that he and I were both very logical, grounded people and hearing him tell me that there was never a chance for us would help me get over my feelings for him. So I waited for a point at which the conversation could move toward our relationship and told him everything. As I expected, he told me that there wasn't a chance for us to have a romantic relationship, but he respected my decision to get things off my chest. It's actually made my friendship with him better, and talking about my feelings lifted a weight from my shoulders.

I hope that whatever you end up doing, you can get over this. It certainly can be a pain in the ass.

Pining, even hopeless pining, can sometimes be worthwhile; it brings a nice sense of angst and longing into one's life. Figure out at what point it goes from being painful-but-enlivening to painful-and-stupidly-disruptive. Feel free to pine up until the edge of the former; when you find yourself slipping over into the latter, give yourself a stern talking-to and pull it together.

For me, at least, the stern talking-to is almost not required at that point, because I've gotten so sick of myself and my unending unchanging internal monologue that I just want to be done with it and move on to something more interesting. So I guess it's really just waiting it out without fighting it, encouraging it, or worrying about it, and having faith that you'll eventually find it boring enough to stop.

Unless, of course, you have any sort of tendencies toward stalking or other problematic behaviors; if so, I'd give different advice. But I haven't noticed any, and you've never mentioned any, so I'm gonna assume you're good on that front. :-)

You deserve to be loved, and she doesn't have that to offer. The time and energy you spend mooning over her is time and energy lost. Spend that time and energy finding the person who will love you. So, carry on, Rational Side.

GO GO!
GET 'EM GET 'EM!
GO GO!
GET 'EM GET 'EM!
GO GET 'EM Rational Side!
GO GET 'EM Rational Side!

Go Rational Side! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

That feeling of angst sucks wholly. Lots of good words on here. Block her, avoid her, keep your mind busy.

((((JP))))

"Damn. If I weren't insanely in love with this woman, there's no way in hell I'd waste time on this yawn-inducing profile."

I agree that this is a sign that you probably are loving a fantasy of her rather than who she is. But regardless, I agree with occhiblu. Once you're done doing whatever it is this unrequited crush is doing for you, you'll want to move on.

Now, unfriend and Facebook block her, quit following her on Twitter, whatever. Sounds like you two were not in contact for a long time... so your life was fine without her. Take her out of it again and it will be just as fine.

I don't object to this scorched-earth approach on principle. The only thing that bothers me is that defriending is, in a way, a public admission that that woman had the power to hurt me. And my ego does not like the idea of other people perceiving me that way.


In the first situation, I've done all that I can to block this person from my current life - with the exception of keeping them as a Facebook friend . . . But we never talk, I don't follow his profile, and I actively do things to avoid situations in which I might be reminded of him.

I prefer this method. It'll take some self-discipline but I'm capable of that; if I can give up alcohol, I can give up her.

In the second case, I knew that he and I were both very logical, grounded people and hearing him tell me that there was never a chance for us would help me get over my feelings for him.

She doesn't show any inclination to have that kind of conversation. I suspect that she's in a position where she can use her privileges and social skills to arrange her life in such a way that she doesn't have to have difficult and awkward conversations.

But the bottom - and most important - line is that she doesn't feel the same.

Exactly.


Maybe you'll suddenly realise that you're fed up with sitting inside pining for this woman

Oh, I've reached that point, jouke. I am fed up with this. I was reading AskMe a couple of weeks ago when I happened on a Human Relations question about a woman who spent two whole decades on a terrible relationship where the guy strung her along. It occurred to me that you really can waste your life on a stupid infatuation. A sobering insight, that.

I enjoy jouke's method- think through the fantasy until you're the one married to her, living in Park Slope, pushing the KYOOT KID around in some fancy stroller, fighting over stupid day to day stuff. Fantasy over!

fighting over stupid day to day stuff . . . New Balance sneakers . . . socializing with self-righteous yuppie twits . . . passive-aggression as a way of life . . .

*vomits profusely*

Thank you, TPS. That imagery helped bring me back to reality.

If it makes you feel any better, remember the wise, sexist proverb: "For every beautiful woman, there's a man who's sick of her shit."

Very wise indeed! Her ex-husband has a high online profile; when I look at his writings, I can't help but notice how damned happy the guy seems to be. I also can't help but infer a cause-and-effect relationship there -- that he's much happier without her in his life. Maybe I'm better off for having only wasted a year on this, instead of a decade, the way he did.

Figure out at what point it goes from being painful-but-enlivening to painful-and-stupidly-disruptive.

We are well past that point.

But I haven't noticed any [stalking tendencies], and you've never mentioned any, so I'm gonna assume you're good on that front. :-)

Thank you. Yeah, I am, actually.

You deserve to be loved, and she doesn't have that to offer.

Yep. If she'd had it to offer, she would have made it obvious to me by now.

Go Rational Side! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

awwwww . . . thank you, Stewriffic! that's exactly what I wanted to hear!

I agree that this is a sign that you probably are loving a fantasy of her rather than who she is. But regardless, I agree with occhiblu. Once you're done doing whatever it is this unrequited crush is doing for you, you'll want to move on.

Ehhh . . I'd quibble with that a little. Facebook doesn't provide the whole story. Especially when you're on someone's social periphery. I work on the assumption that I'm not seeing the whole thing, that I'm not getting the whole story at all. Nonetheless, I do think there's some heavy idealization going on here and I don't know her well enough to call this real love.

Hey, what's wrong with New Balance sneakers?

Missed this thread yesterday. Hopefully my dickish (not really) behavior to you IRL helped... umm.. distract? from your pain? Maybe?

At any rate, I like occhiblu's comment about using your angst. Take the opportunity to write some bad poetry, then laugh as you burn it!

>Figure out at what point it goes from being painful-but-enlivening to painful-and-stupidly-disruptive.

We are well past that point.

OK, so you're mostly there. Now it's pretty much just waiting it out until it becomes boring as well -- which it sounds like where you're headed. As long as you stay caught up in the oh-my-exquisite-misery about it (not to slam you, it's a phase we all go through in these things), you're going to stay caught up in it. I think, for people who do realize they're being irrational (that is, if you have the general emotional stability and strong desire for self-preservation that help you make good decisions in general), that fighting against the feelings counterproductively keeps you caught up in them. Your bleh, this is boring instincts will kick in soon enough, but not if you keep creating new mini-dramas that keep the overall drama interesting, if that makes sense?

that fighting against the feelings counterproductively keeps you caught up in them. Your bleh, this is boring instincts will kick in soon enough, but not if you keep creating new mini-dramas that keep the overall drama interesting, if that makes sense?

Yes. It does.

What you say seems to suggest that not making any dramatic moves and simply ignoring her profile would be the best option, that defriending her or blocking her would feed the fire.

I think doing whatever feels least compelling is good. Agonizing over how to proceed would feed the fire.

Hey, what's wrong with New Balance sneakers?

They're not ASICS.