IANAD - but without getting into further detail, it's hard to know what you're dealing with.

In general, though - here's some rules to follow going forward:

1. Ask yourself what the person might be getting out of being with you in this situation. Caring people will be conscious of your background, your needs and give you the room to make the decisions on your own.

2. People who are controlling always talk about themselves first - even if the topic is something about you. They need to feel validated by having your acknowledgment that What They Said Is What You Should Do. You'll hear a lot of "Didn't I SAY THAT WOULD HAPPEN?", "or YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME NEXT TIME" type verbiage.

I once knew a man who went so far with this, that if he did anything nice for you, especially if it was something you couldn't do yourself, would make a point to stop and say flatly, "and who did X for you?" and he'd wait until you told him he did to his face.

People who genuinely care about you will get frustrated with you if they think you're going down the wrong path, but they will give you the room to make the mistake and forgive you.

People who are controlling will always make sure you remember their involvement in your issue and turn whatever you're going through into something about them.

Good luck.

There are absolutely no rules in this life to go by. Even dictionaries differ in their definitions. You can only go by what feels right or wrong to you.

Yeah, it's hard to say without any details, but basically, someone who CARES for you allows you to be who you are (as well as who you are becoming) on your terms. They encourage your strengths and accept your imperfections.

Someone who CONTROLS you wants you to be (or to become) someone on their terms. They are demanding of how you use your strengths, and they may be unforgiving of your imperfections.

Are they my parents? Controlling. All the time. Doesn't matter what the issue in question is.

If they're commanding you to do something and don't regard you as a fellow adult or as an equal, then they're being controlling.

Uncaring people are always controlling. But caring people are occasionally controlling too... they might be having a bad day, or might be too emotional about the issue. Has the person been caring without being controlling in the past? If so I would probably let them slide sometimes.

Thanks for the input...everybody who cares about me gets occasionally very controlling when I don't do what they think is best...it's up to them if they want a good relationship with me, to not be so controlling. But I wonder, should I just try harder to do what they say...why don't they know better than to be so controlling, they're not dumb...I guess they're just stressed out...as am I...maybe I should just say, You're the last person who I would have accused of being controlling, and now you are.

Relationships.

It can be subtle. Three years later, I'm still poking through the ashes of a situation that seemed caring on its face, but involved all sorts of passive control issues.