MetaChat - Argh!

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04 April 2009

Argh! Dear Imaginary Friends, may I vent?→[More:]

I'm grateful for the job I have because it's flexible for the industry, pays well, and sometimes has a really interesting problem to solve. I have it, and but-for my complaining about it, it's stable and secure. Still it gnaws at me because it's so contrary to my goals and what I like to think of as myself. It's not what I went to grad school for and it's contrary to the central tenet of my personal philosophy. I think of my favorite professor, who died shortly after I started this job, and I think of my mentor who was so helpful in getting me started, and I wonder how disappointed they'd be in me.

I had my chance to do something I loved, something I felt fulfilled by, and something that I found meaningful in the world, and I screwed it up. My own fault, I know it, this is the bed I've made, so I'm lying in it.

And here's the ARGH!: the rest of my life is great, maybe even the best it's ever been. My friends are good and interesting people. My family is nearby and good and interesting people. My house is awesome and my Guy is too. We travel; we're healthy and secure. I live precisely where I've wanted to since my first visit when I was 5. I even have a small part in a fundraising project for a philanthropy. That conspires, I think, to de-motivate me from doing the things I need to do to fix my career.

I need to "network" more. I need to devote more free time to projects that give me the right current experience to move back into what I want to do. I need to try, if what I really want is a job that I find meaningful or at least doesn't conflict with my moral-self.

But at 5:00 on the weekdays, and on Saturdays and Sunday, I'm happy and so I fitter away all grasshopper-y, enjoying my free time and the happiness the rest of my life has, when I should be ant-ing toward want.

ARGH!

post by: crush-onastick at: 11:52 | 8 comments

Maybe you're not really all that unhappy with your job? It's okay not to do something you spent time preparing for. Especially if you like what it does for your life.

it's contrary to the central tenet of my personal philosophy

This would be a big problem for me, and I've been fortunate so far in not having to take any jobs that truly went against my values. I try hard not to.

But the thing is, if you are terribly bothered by it, I think you would really be feeling terribly focused on retraining (or whatever it takes) to get out of it. I understand that on free time it's good to have fun, but it seems like you are actually able to forget your work and have fun - something not everyone can do. Maybe the balance of your life is fine. Maybe now isn't really the time for the major career shift; maybe that can happen later on life. The fact that you can manage escapism hints that you are actually comfortable in your present job - maybe you can just work on letting go of any guilt associated with having trained for something else. In other words, maybe there's no problem for you.

But if you really do want to get out or change your work life, if you find yourself thinking about it a lot and find that it's tainting your personal life and preventing your enjoying your off times, then somehow you need find reasons to go the conferences and networking events and meetups and talks and such that will start getting you there. Personally I think those things are fun in themselves.

The fact that you say you're happy is what's confusing me. If you're happy, it's all cool, just enjoy.

If the values conflict, or the yearning for something you still want to do, begin making you unhappy, then it's time to act.

posted by Miko 04 April | 13:03

You're very sensible, Miko. You may be right that the gnawing feeling is just the process of adjusting to the idea that my career didn't work out how I planned and learning how to negotiate how not to be defined by my work in the American culture.

I worry about the escapist part. I don't sleep well and I wonder if I'm just getting really good at the denial part of things and the conflict surfaces in all the very tense dreams I have. How much of being happy is true and how much is convincing yourself that you are?

On the other hand, maybe the volunteer fundraising committee I've just joined, and maybe the conferences I've started going to (I find them fun on their own, too!) feel like enough forward movement that I'm cutting myself some slack?

I suppose it could all just be midlife crisis. The "oops! I forgot to have children!" moment.

posted by crush-onastick 04 April | 13:26

I had my chance to do something I loved, something I felt fulfilled by, and something that I found meaningful in the world, and I screwed it up. My own fault, I know it, this is the bed I've made, so I'm lying in it.

Are you using your current job as a way of punishing yourself for having messed up in the past? If there's some sense of a bad(dish) job being all you "deserve," that may be where some of the lack of motivation is coming in?

But it may also just be that this is what fits for you for right now, because you're prioritizing other areas in your life, and that's ok. The priorities might shift down the line for various reasons, and then it'll be time to reassess.

posted by occhiblu 04 April | 13:33

"oops! I forgot to have children!" moment.

I'm familiar with that moment, too. All of a sudden the roads not taken stand out in sharp relief. But I think that's okay, too - it just means honing our sense of priorities given the time left. I believe many choices and the best years are still ahead - because so many who have gone there before tell me it's so.

The volunteer work sounds great. Trust yourself - I bet you'll know when it's time to make a change.

If it's worth anything, I work so hard at my cultural leadership career and feel great about the values, etc. However, at times I'm plagued with the idea that if I'd just become a lawyer or ad copywriter I couldv'e saved and donated enough money to achieve the same ends I achieve working directly on them now, and not struggled so much financially. Which way would I have done more good? No telling, really.

posted by Miko 04 April | 13:33

Committees and conferences are networking, so you're actually doing great on that. All you have to do is show up, make friends, and chip in... that's networking! Changing jobs is very disruptive and (I believe) a new job is a big emotional sink. The committees and conferences seem like low-hanging fruit. The people you get to know might turn up something for you.

Try not to pressure yourself about the job issue. Like occhi and Miko said, when the time is right you will know. There's value in getting settled with other parts of your life so that when you make the change it is not actually a compensation for a deficit elsewhere. Also, sometimes philanthropy works out better if you have a big savings account. :)

posted by halonine 04 April | 15:32

y'all are nice to talk to. Thanks.

occhi--that's an interesting point about the self-flogging. I'll need to think on that.

(halonine! hope to see you at a meet over the summer!)

posted by crush-onastick 04 April | 16:27

Damn it, this kind of chatter is what meetups are for!

posted by eamondaly 04 April | 22:56

aw, we don't need my angst at the meetups! but hey, I'll be at the next one!

posted by crush-onastick 04 April | 23:53

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