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11 November 2008

Meatbomb's 20 Minute Spaghetti Sauce First time in print![More:]

650g lean ground meat
1 green pepper
1 yellow pepper
1 red pepper
Got any other funky peppers? Go for it.
1 large onion
1 can tomato puree
1/2 head of garlic
pepper - triple what seems reasonable to you, trust me
tonnes of basil
vegeta or similar

1. Fine chop everything that can be fine chopped.
2. Brown meat in frypan.
3. Just short of browning onions and garlic in big pot. Brown them, then 45 seconds less.
4. When onions are looking happy, add peppers. Add the mushrooms. You didn't have mushrooms? What's wrong with you, didn't you read this whole thing first? OK, OK, the mushrooms are not mission critical here, if you don't have them no biggie.
5. When all that shit is looking nice, and the meat is ready, dump the meat in. Add the tomato puree and lots of water, enough to 2/3 fill the pot.
6. Boil it for 3 minutes, then turn the heat nice and low. You want it merrily blurping in the pot, filling your home with the ambiance of a Bolognese guest house.
7. That takes 20 minutes, not including the prep, so don't tell me I am full of it. Yes, now the thing has to simmer and reduce, and this part should take 3 hours or so. Low heat is better, longer is better. But no worries, you can easily play Fallout 3 and do bong hits during this part of the procedure.
8. When you smell your sauce burning, do not worry. For fuck sakes, keep your wits about you, nobody ever solved a crisis in a state of panic! DO NOT STIR. The stuff that isn't burnt will still be tasty and excellent. Pour it into another container, and scrape the burnt stuff from the bottom of the pot. You can feed this to your cat or a young child who doesn't know better.
9. Cook up your favourite pasta, ladle sauce on top, enjoy!
10. Let me guess - you never added the pepper, Vegeta, or basil right? Are you a moron? Next time, add that when you add all the other stuff, before you go to play Fallout 3.
11. Did you sprinkle Parmesan cheese on top? No? Do I have to tell you everything? Do you want me to fucking eat it for you too?

I promise, it is delicious. I am eating it right now.

What's Vegeta?
posted by mudpuppie 11 November | 18:06
Vegeta is a guy from Dragon Ball.

Which Meatbomb apparently killed, chopped, and ate with his spaghetti.
posted by qvantamon 11 November | 18:21
Vegeta is a salt substitute.
posted by Meatbomb 11 November | 18:29
I was gonna say that Meatbomb! You forgot the big doobie in the ashtray next to the stove, on which you must draw deeply between each of the above steps, it sounds like.
posted by goo 11 November | 18:35
Do I have to tell you everything? Do you want me to fucking eat it for you too?

Thanks, I needed that :)
posted by doctor_negative 11 November | 18:40
I don't understand step #9. Can I just ladle it directly into my mouth?
posted by mullacc 11 November | 19:31
This doesn't look too far off from the meat sauce my mom used to make. Loved it as a kid but moved to a simple vegetarian red sauce long before I gave up meat. But I've never been 100% happy with my red sauce, anyone got a killer one?
posted by kodama 11 November | 21:09
kodama: simple is good.
posted by Triode 11 November | 21:49
But I've never been 100% happy with my red sauce, anyone got a killer one?


Saute a chopped onion in some olive oil. When the onions get translucent, add 4-5 cloves of chopped garlic. Cook for a few minutes. Add 1 or 2 teaspoons each of dried basil and oregano, along with some crushed red pepper and a teaspoon of fennel seeds. Also, salt and pepper.

Now, add half a can of tomato paste. Stir, stir, stir, so that the tomato paste gets a bit brown. When it gets carmelized, deglaze with 1/2 cup of nice red wine. (You can skip the wine if you want.)

Add a 14 oz can of tomatoes -- either the diced kind, or the whole kind that you've chopped up -- along with the juice. Stir. Add about 4 cups of water. Simmer for 40 minutes or thereabouts, until it's the consistency of good tomato sauce.

Today seems to be the day to type up my favorite vague recipes.
posted by mudpuppie 11 November | 21:53
Thanks mudpuppie that sounds great. Not too far from ones I've tried, but the fennel - that could be the trick. I think vague with sauces is the usual deal - I always do them "to taste" so actual amounts and times and such are all on the fly.

Also thanks for that link Triode. That one also sounds pretty good, I like that it calls for fresh Basil, I always try to cook with fresh these days. BUT no red wine? That goes against all I stand for :)

I'll definitely try one of these next time I'm in the mood. Pasta with red sauce is such a late fall/winter dish for me. The rest of the year I just use pesto or my recent favorite: grilled vegetables heavily basted with olive oil.
posted by kodama 11 November | 22:02
The red wine goes in separately, silly!

Once you've got the fennel seed on board, y'know what can take red sauce to another level? A diced pear. Chose a nice firm one that will take some heat. Also, the barest pinch of ground cinnamon can bring some fun to the party.
posted by Triode 11 November | 23:39
posted by trondant 12 November | 00:09

You take the 1/4 pound of pancetta (a kilo is a thousand grams, so whatever the fuck that is in non-drug conversions) and chop that into little tab of acid size pieces. Watch out it's greasy.

You dice up two or three carrots (peeled), two or three stalks of celery (decapitated) and a large white onion (or two medium onions). In a large cast iron pan (preheated for 3-5 minutes on high) you reduce your pancetta (stir for the love of god) and then you throw in your diced carrots, celery and onion. The French call this mirepoix and it's the entire foundation of their shit (other than butter, fries and goose liver)!

Stir and cook until everything is sweated down and translucent and then add what your pan will hold (usually for me about three quarters to a pound each) of ground beef, ground pork and ground veal (if you can't hang with veal find something else ground or double the pork), turn the heat up and almost brown it, but don't really, don't make a taco or a sloppy joe, get it cooked through and just a teeny bit thinking about edging towards brown. Pour off most of that gross meat water, carefully all the while, never let it get dry but don't boil it in its own gross meat water. Add about a thing of fresh rosemary, chopped up pretty fine (you can't really add too much, in America we get it in a package mostly, so almost a thing and half really), omit the stems. Turn down the heat to medium low!

Salt and pepper, right?

Stir, quickly add a small can of tomato paste (can and a half maybe, I like a can but this is flexible, turn the meat orange and a little gluey), stir, mix it up. Stir. After about 15 minutes or less add half a cup to a cup of half and half, heavy cream or regular milk (I think that's a million hectares of milk, but you might want to check that) and stir, keep your heat medium low and cook this until it's sticky, with the heat low enough you can cook it for two hours or more, but a solid hour stirring every five minutes is fine. What you need to arrive at is not a sauce, but a ragu, like a sticky, wet but not liquid situation, it makes a noise when stirred, you know? A wet reluctant noise.

Cook a pot of thick linguini, fresh please (salt the shit out the pasta water, please). Mix everything together in the pasta pot after you've drained the pasta and put it back in the pot, serve with grated fresh parmesan in big white bowls, with some just ok Italian red wine if you have it. Hopefully it's kinda cold outside. If your constitution allows you to smoke dope, do so early in the process, otherwise just imagine you've smoked dope, that's what I do. Be a Bolognese winner, cooking the final mixture together on low heat for as long as possible is the secret. Yell out aphorisms in a broad caricature of an Italian accent throughout and listen to roots country music or some gypsy punk. ROSEMARY, early and often.
posted by Divine_Wino 12 November | 00:18
Also you can add a little red wine in the last hour of cooking, but not too much, two or three glugs at most, stir!
posted by Divine_Wino 12 November | 00:31
Hee! I could read a whole cookbook of your recipes, Divino; and I love your metric conversions.

That seems like a lot of carrot to me, though. I'm suspicious of carrots because they tend to make things taste sweeter than I like. What would happen here if one used only .0025 hectometres of carrot?
posted by taz 12 November | 01:11
I smell a book deal pitch here ...

I'd buy it, so that makes two with taz. How many sales do you need to make a book cover the publishing costs?
posted by dg 12 November | 04:13
The carrot is basically lost totally in the other flavors, it and the other vegetables just provide a base really. Usually you need to sell about half of what you printed to cover costs, so if we print four we just might be ok.
posted by Divine_Wino 12 November | 07:44
Let's do it.
i'll pretty up my motherloaf recipe or some other thing. We cold just do it like a zine run where people can print it out and donate.
i'll do drawings and offer my snickerdoodle recipe.
posted by ethylene 12 November | 07:48
When i was a kid and made zines in grade school, i always had recipes.
Let's go old school!
posted by ethylene 12 November | 07:49
But yeah, also, you could lose a carrot and a stalk of celery and everything would be ok, you want basically a big heaping double handful of chopped vegetables. My hands, which are long and elegant, but surprisingly strong. If you have different hands just figure it out.
posted by Divine_Wino 12 November | 07:55
It's true, his hands are like a brace of Portuguese water dogs sleeping by the Chesterfield.
posted by Hugh Janus 12 November | 12:08
Add the basil at the end, it loses flavor with cooking. For cinnamon I drop in a stick and pull it out after a while, and then reuse it a few times.
posted by StickyCarpet 12 November | 12:48
and then reuse it a few times

Cheap bastard, or environmental steward? You be the judge.
posted by Meatbomb 12 November | 12:59
Ow! I am an eejit. Stupid cooking stories solicited. || Keith Olbermann pleads with America to accept same-sex marriage