MetaChat - PANTS RANT

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08 August 2008

PANTS RANT →[More:]

OMFG WTF I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PANTS THAT DON'T FUCKING FIT!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THE MARKETING PRATS WHO PANDER TO A BUNCH OF DELUSIONAL FATASSES WHO REFUSE TO JUST FUCKING ADMIT ALREADY THAT THEY'RE A SIZE SIXTEEN OR WHATEVER. I JUST WENT SHOPPING AGAIN LAST NIGHT FOR ROUGHLY THE FIFTEENTH TIME SINCE, OH, LIKE THREE MONTHS AGO WHEN THE LAST OF MY GOOD WORK SLACKS FRAYED AT THE CUFFS. I AM THE SAME SIZE I WAS WHEN I WAS 18 AND PANTS FUCKING FIT BACK THEN. NOW, HOWEVER, EVERY GODDAMN PAIR OF PANTS SOLD IN THE ENTIRE U S OF A APPARENTLY FEELS THE NEED TO ADD 4-6" EXTRA FABRIC IN THE WAIST AND BUTT WHICH MEANS THEY'RE ALL DROOPY-DRAWERS AND PAPER-BAGGEDY EVEN WITH A BELT. AND ITS NOT LIKE I'M SKINNY EITHER COS I'M NOT, I'M A FATASS. BUT THESE SO-CALLED PANTS ARE BEYOND THE PALE. THEY LOOK LIKE ASS, AND THEY MAKE MY ASS LOOK LIKE ASS. AND I CAN'T GO SMALLER COS MY GODDAMN BIKERACER LEGS DONT FIT. I EVEN TRIED SHOPPING IN JUNIORS WHICH HAS ALWAYS WORKED BEFORE BUT APPARENTLY THE ENTIRE TEEN POPULACE OF THE UNITED STATES HAS GOTTEN KNOCKED UP SINCE THE LAST TIME I WENT SHOPPING. FUCK I HATE SHOPPING.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!!

*stomps off to book appointment at the tailor*

post by: lonefrontranger at: 12:33 | 39 comments

I suspect that not every woman of your age has the muscle tone to shatter a bowling ball between their legs, either.

Or, more to the point, most women your age don't put in the hard miles on the bike, so clothing manufactures will put up with a few ill-fitted pairs of trousers on the likes of you, rather than a LOT of split buttseams for the "average" woman of your vintage.

*smiling and carefully backing out the door*

posted by danf 08 August | 12:41

danf thanks but i'm not really fishing for anything here, the point being that women's (and girl's now, too, apparently) sizes have drastically shifted in the past 20 years, and it's specifically due to our supersize culture. this completely sucks and it pisses me off that I'm now forced to pay the premium for everyone else's lack of motivation.

THIS IS NOW AN ALLPURPOSE SHOUTING THREAD. OR PLACE TO RANT ABOUT PANTS. OR REQUIREMENTS TO WEAR SAME. OR LACK THEREOF.

CARRY ON.

posted by lonefrontranger 08 August | 12:55

THERE ARE A LOT OF STUPID AND/OR ANNOYING PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, AND IT IS ALL I CAN DO NOT TO TAKE AN INFLATABLE HAMMER AND BASH THEM IN THE BRAINS. I AM GLAD I AM HAVING FONDUE TONIGHT- THE LACK OF CHEESE IN MY BLOOD IS PROBABLY CONTRIBUTING TO THIS CRABINESS.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 08 August | 12:59

I think PANTS RANT would make an excellent basic cable show. You should totally do it.

PANTS RANT! Doo doo doo doo-doo do. PANTS RANT! Doo doo doo-doo doo!

Hi, I'm lonefrontranger and welcome to PANTS RANT! On today's show...Pleats: Fabulous Gut Cover or Purveyors of Paunch? We'll also discuss Katie Holmes's attempts to bring back "pegged" jeans and the resurgence of leggings--can a Z Cavaricci revival be far behind? All coming up today on PANTS RANT!!

posted by jrossi4r 08 August | 13:06

Even though people died easily from diseases and stuff, there are some remarkably good things about the past, like the fact that families made all their own clothing until the 1950s or so. Pick the fabric you like, then adjust the pattern to your shape, voila. *sigh*

posted by Melismata 08 August | 13:06

If I were to write down Lessons I Have Learned Over The Past Year, #1 would definitely be "Take whatever clothing comes closest to fitting you to a tailor and have them alter it because it's cheaper than you think and it makes you look so much better". Seriously, give it a try with a pair that are too large.

posted by cmonkey 08 August | 13:07

PANTS RANT would so be on my tivo season pass in about 3 seconds.

posted by gaspode 08 August | 13:08

DEAR DRESSMAKERS:

NOT ALL WOMEN WANT TO SHOW THE VAST EXPANSES OF THEIR KNOCKERS IN EVERY SINGLE FANCY DRESS. PLEASE PROVIDE A SUBSET OF DRESSES WITH MODERATE KNOCKER COVERAGE.

GUIDELINE: SOME TOP-BOOB IS ACCEPTABLE. SIDEBOOB IS BORDERLINE. UNDERBOOB IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR MY PURPOSES. THANK YOU.

lfr, I remember shopping with a male friend suffering similar trouser difficulties. The instant the in-house tailor set eyes on his powerful thighs, the tailor said, "Ah, you are a cyclist, yes?

posted by Elsa 08 August | 13:08

TPS just made me laugh out loud while drinking a Diet Coke.

posted by Kangaroo 08 August | 13:08

I've got to alter my pants all the time, too. I do it myself these days. I've gotten enough practice. :P

AND WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THESE DAMNED DROP WAIST PANTS AND THONGS AND TOO SHORT TSHIRTS? THEN YOU NEED A TUBE TO KEEP IT ALL HIDDEN? YOU LOSE! AT LIFE!

Sizes have changed over the years. I recently unpacked some clothes from the garage about 10 years old, and the 14's were not the same size as today's 14's.

posted by lysdexic 08 August | 13:12

I'M WITH ELSA, I TOO WOULD LIKE SOME DRESS CHOICES THAT AREN'T COMPLETELY BARE IN THE BOOBAL AREA.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 08 August | 13:14

Underboob? That's so wrong! You'd almost need tape. I'd need tape, anyhow.

posted by lysdexic 08 August | 13:14

please tell me there's not a boobal.com I skeerd.

posted by lysdexic 08 August | 13:15

TPS, I wholeheartedly agree. except now all I wanna do is go beat the hell outta something with a wiffleball bat.

*snerk* "underboob" *snerk*

posted by lonefrontranger 08 August | 13:17

I WILL GIVE UP MY PLEATS WHEN THEY PRY THEM OUT FROM UNDER MY COLD DEAD IRON!

posted by danf 08 August | 13:25

I don't know how we got to talking about boobs, but between that and the bowling-ball-shattering, I'm very much enjoying this thread. Please carry on.

posted by Eideteker 08 August | 13:27

Hey, lfr, you could try a vintage store, they'd have the nice smaller pants of yesteryear you seek, perhaps.

I know sizes have gotten bigger, for sure. I figured it was a vanity/marketing thing. Then lately I realized SHOES are getting bigger wtf?!? I KNOW IT'S A FACT THAT YER FEET GET BIGGER THE LONGER YOU LIVE AND WALK ON THEM SO WHY AM I NOW DOWN HALF A SIZE? IT DOES NOT REALLY MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT ME AND THROWS INTO QUESTION THE ONE THING I COULD ORDER OR BUY WITHOUT TRYING ON - SHOES.

Did you know that shoes were the same for both feet until the civil war? Like clown shoes, except regular. No left and right. Recent innovation.

posted by rainbaby 08 August | 13:28

You could try spraypaint. You could invent the idea and sell it to Ron Popeil, who could market it as "Great Looking Pants", if the man can sell spraypaint to bald people, he could certainly sell it as pants.

posted by King of Prontopia 08 August | 13:29

please tell me there's not a boobal.com I skeerd.

I checked, it's just a placeholder. Which means we could start it!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 08 August | 13:33

rainbaby, I did that, sadly I find it merely digs up the fashion zombies of pegged cuffs, weird culotte-y type things and mom-jeans...

on preview, spraypaint would do a lotta things right KoP, however I would like to keep my job.

*gathers up the entire first-world supply of mom-jeans, laura ashley dresses and tube tops and summarily nukes them from orbit*

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE BY TODAY'S EPISODE OF "PANTS RANT" UNTIL NEXT TIME, STAY SLEEK AND DON'T FALL FOR THE PLEAT THEORY.

posted by lonefrontranger 08 August | 13:34

I don't know how we got to talking about boobs

If you'd been on any of my recent shopping expeditions trying to find one freaking dress to wear to a posh wedding, just one freaking dress that doesn't make me look like some sort of bespangled cleavage-y circus ponyrider well, then you'd know how.

Perhaps that's the key to keeping my temper on these frustrating, futile shopping trips. Maybe I need a shopping companion who'd actually be amused by the stream of invective punctuated by mutters of "underboob? underboob?" from under the dressing-room door.

How 'bout it, Eideteker? Want to come dress shopping? There's your magical mystery tour right there.

posted by Elsa 08 August | 13:41

so, would it be a search engine, or a fashion/style "XOMG! what the hell is this?". The search engine could randomly insert made up words into the search, like "boobal area" "middriff", etc.

posted by lysdexic 08 August | 13:44

...shopping with a male friend suffering similar trouser difficulties... heh, Elsa the mister has had a similar experience in pants-shopping, except that the sales clerk at [popular yuppie mall store] looked him over and said "maybe you should try [men's boutique known to cater to African-American guys] instead..." upon which the mister's eyes lit up and he happily crowed "you mean to say I've got some JUNK IN MY TRUNK??!!", upon which he cheerfully sauntered off to said haberdashery.

LOL-worthy moment indeed, especially when taking into account that the mister's dad has a SERIOUS case of white-boy-booty / plumber's butt.

posted by lonefrontranger 08 August | 13:52

How 'bout it, Eideteker? Want to come dress shopping? There's your magical mystery tour right there.

Do I have to bring my own drool cup, or will one be provided? Also, I've never tried pony-play, but I'm willing to try anything.

posted by Eideteker 08 August | 13:54

Eide, if you go dress shopping, you are required to participate. This will be Youtubed.

posted by lonefrontranger 08 August | 13:56

lfr, you don't call the bluff of a man who owns this book.

And I just shaved my legs yesterday for swimmin' this weekend.

posted by Eideteker 08 August | 14:00

Oh, I totally commiserate with the pants rant. I'm a smidge too tall for petites and pants in my size are made for fucking 6" giants. Every. Single. Pair. Of pants I buy have to be taken up. I have also learnt to do it myself.

My mum is a great seamstress and I learned quite young, but I have a crappy sewing machine and need to buy a better one, otherwise I'd do as she does and make my own.

I think everyone is a non-everyperson consumer. The standard to which they make clothes is totally mythical.

posted by goo 08 August | 14:01

Hahahaha I mean 6' giants. I'm not that short.

posted by goo 08 August | 14:02

All this DIY talk is making me ~~gird my loins~~ brace myself there's been quite enough smuttalk in this thread thankyouverymuch and most of it from me to hoist out my sewing machine and make the damn dress my own self.

Then, of course, I'd have to go fabric shopping, but that doesn't inspire so much vigorous and inventive swearing.

Usually.

posted by Elsa 08 August | 14:11

I dunno. Look at people's thighs and hips and waists -- all the possible variations in rise and assorted circumferences and so on -- and it's a miracle that any mass-produced pants ever fit anyone, really.

I'm just grateful that Old Navy's short people's jeans fit me, more or less. But lately I've also veering more and more toward yoga pants or skirts.

posted by tangerine 08 August | 14:26

Spraypants. Just say it, it's brilliant.

Also, the way women's clothing is sized is profoundly and epicly stupid. My pants come in two dimensions, waist and inseam, that are independent variables. My wife's pants have one dimension 4, 6, 8, and so forth. My wife also has curves that I do not. At a bare minimum, women's pants should measure the waist separate from the ass. Seriously people, girls have curves.

My largest problems in the are revolve around finding a pair of bib overalls that accommodate both my gut and my non-existent ass. THE CHICKENS WILL MOCK ME!

posted by stet 08 August | 14:54

First of all, lfr committed apostrophe abuse. I am impressed because she is normally quite perfect. I, on the other hand, am quite an ass and fuck things up on a regular basis. In fact, I think the definition of fuck up is "anything eek does".

Second, it makes me glad that I am a blue collar wanker. I go to work, and my lovely blue uniforms are laundered for me. I've been a bit of a sloth of late, so I might have to have them enlarged for the growing eek, but it's nice to have my clothing choice made for me. And, it's SAFE too in case something I work on blows up.

posted by eekacat 08 August | 15:13

EVERYONE HAS BEEN REALLY ANGRY RECENTLY, AND THAT MAKES ME SAD.

ALSO, MY INTERNET IS OUT AT HOME.

posted by muddgirl 08 August | 15:21

At this point, I'm thinking that, barring some kind of unexpected disaster, I won't have to buy pants until 2012. And, hey, Mayan apocalypse.

posted by box 08 August | 16:35

I hate clothes. Just cover me.

posted by chewatadistance 08 August | 17:11

until 2012. And, hey, Mayan apocalypse.

Oh, box, you may have given me the strength to go on shopping. If I can just leap this hurdle, I might have the wardrobe to hold out until the apocalypse.

Phew!

posted by Elsa 08 August | 17:22

Can I add to the shopping-yelly of the thread?

WHY DOES SHOPPING OPTIONS IN ALASKA SUCK SO GODDAMN MUCH!? I KNOW WE'RE FAR FROM CIVILIZATION BUT WE HAVE TO WEAR CLOTHES TOO, DAMMIT. ALL I WANT IS PROFESSIONAL LOOKING WORK CLOTHES FOR MY NEW STATE JOB THAT DON'T COST A FORTUNE (SHIT-ASS NORDSTROM) OR FALL APART AFTER A MONTH (EVERYWHERE ELSE).

posted by rhapsodie 08 August | 20:51

Size 16 women's fit me...but why the FUCK has the industry shrunk the pockets of female pants! Some of us like to carry stuff in them without risking it falling out! I've resorted to men's again because I refuse to wear elastic waists except for gym shorts and sweats.

posted by brujita 09 August | 07:48

What is with the no pockets? They have even taken them out of running shorts and I'm not wearing a fanny-pack to run. I hope my one pair last until the Mayan apocalypse.

posted by haunted by Leonard Cohen 09 August | 09:37

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