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05 May 2008

I just found out that my former next-door neighbor, whom I've posted (and griped) about many times, died a few days ago.[More:]

Nancy had lived in the house next door for 25 years or so. She moved out -- was kicked out, by her parents -- late last year. (Some backstory here.)

She was always drunk. Her drinking, and her health, had gotten noticably worse over the past year. In September, the man she was living with got into a fight with her son (from whom she had been estranged). Nancy was shouting "He's trying to kill me! He's trying to kill me!" Larry was arrested in the driveway, at gunpoint. There were 7 police cars and two fire trucks and an ambulance blocking our little street for an hour.

It was a couple months later that she was forced out of the house. She moved into a room on the next block, but that only lasted for a month. She then moved down the street, within sight of her old house. (Her cat made the first move with her, but disappeared after the second. Over the course of a couple months she lost her house, her boyfriend, her cat, and what little good health she had remaining.)

During the 8 years that I've lived here, I've probably had to call 911 15 or 20 times because of stuff going on at Nancy's place. There were other times when I probably should have called the cops, or an ambulance, but didn't. (See here.) There was a constant cast of shady characters going in and out. For one stretch a couple summers ago, there was a woman living in the garage, dealing drugs and turning tricks. Last year, or the year before, I had to drive her to the hospital twice, very late at night. (One time she was naked from the waist down.)

She sometimes hit me up for money (see first link). She came by last week asking if I could loan her a couple bucks until she could get to the bank. I said no, because I've been living out of my change jar (and because I don't want to give her money for booze or drugs). She begged. I refused. She got angry and left.

On the other hand, all things considered, she was actually a pretty good neighbor. Even though her driveway often had walls of junk piled up in it, and the smoke from her cheap cigarettes wafted into my windows, and there were domestic disturbances over there on at least a monthly basis -- despite all that, she always kept an eye on my house, was friendly, would loan me a tool or something if I needed it. One time she mowed my lawn, and my other neighbor's, without being asked. (Probably it was a passive-aggressive attempt to get a few bucks, but it was still a nice thing to do.)

Nancy had gone downhill, though. Her parents wrote her off, kicked her out of the house that they co-owned with her. My busybody neighbor said it was because Nancy wouldn't go to rehab, and they got fed up. (She had gone to rehab a few times that I know about, but never lasted for more than a day.) I guess the rest of the neighborhood wrote her off too. I refused to give her money twice over the past couple months. Now I know that other neighbors did too.

One night last week, she asked my busybody neighbor Joan to drive her to the hospital. Joan said No. She then asked Bill, the man down the street (who's in a wheelchair) to drive her. He said No. She didn't ask me. I don't know if I was away, or if it was because I'd refused to give her money a couple nights before.

She finally called an ambulance.

Turned out she had two perforated ulcers. They operated, and she was fine. She was in recovery for several days, and was fine. She was caught smoking a cigarette (while she was on oxygen, for christ's sake), and they found her hiding another one in her gown. For several days, she was fine.

Then she just died.

The doctors were shocked, apparently. She'd had no complications.

I wonder if they were detoxing her, or doing anything to deal with the withdrawal she was certainly experiencing.

In any case, she's dead.


Neighbor Joan said she thought it was like a cruel joke, that she'd go like that. I'm not so sure. After such a rough life, and after showing again and again that she was not going to get clean, and that she was somewhat accepting of the fact that things were never going to go right for her -- I think it's almost fortunate that she died in a hospital. At least she didn't die on the street. And over the past year, that's looked like an increasing possibility.

Nancy was a pain in the ass. I'm realizing now that a lot of that was that she made me deal with stuff I didn't want to deal with: Saying No, witnessing arguments and violence, feeling pity, feeling a certain sense of "but for the grace of god." It would have been more comfortable not to be around all that.

But shit, it was her life. All that was her life.

It's making me feel really reflective: What do you have to do, and how long do you have to do it, before everyone absolutely gives up on you? What line do you have to cross before your parents sell your home out from under you and your neighbors refuse to take you to the hospital? And how do you know that you've exhausted, for the final time, the goodwill of everyone in your life? How do you recognize it's happening, and how do you prevent it from happening?

Nancy never figured that stuff out. She had a shitty life, and it's over now. It's tempting to try to spin that into a good thing, but I don't know for sure if it is. Just don't know.

In any case, I hope she finally has some peace.
Thanks for the post, mudpup. I don't have anything to say except it was a good read.

I have thought about these questions a lot- my friends and family have so much addiction in their lives and a handful have crashed and burned. After all these years I still haven't come up with anything more profound than "there but for the grace of god go I," (immediately followed by knocking on wood.)
posted by small_ruminant 05 May | 14:19
That was a sad and beautiful eulogy, mudpuppie. Thanks for posting it.

RIP, Nancy.
posted by me3dia 05 May | 14:23
Wow. Echoing me3dia.
posted by rainbaby 05 May | 14:32
Thanks, mudpuppie. I've known a number of people go through this too, and not come out the other end. My friend Bob's last 15 years were a constant go-round of attempted recovery, relapses, hospitalisations and ever-deteriorating health and personal relationships, until finally he was too weak to survive any more.

And, as s_r said, I realise I'm one of the lucky ones. I hit my rock bottom way before I'd lost homes, jobs and security.
posted by essexjan 05 May | 14:37
It's always sad when someone dies in self-destructive circumstances like this, but it's a little bit of a relief (and I'm not saying this trying to be funny or snarky) when they don't take someone else with them, in an accident or whatever.

R.I.P., Nancy.
posted by BoringPostcards 05 May | 15:05
Poor woman.

I keep typing other things and deleting them, so maybe I'll just leave it at that.
posted by occhiblu 05 May | 15:06
R.I.P., Nancy.

Much like occhi I'll jest leave it at that.
posted by arse_hat 05 May | 15:22
It's hard, because one (rightly, I feel) does not want to get enmeshed in someone else's predicament. (Thinking here of EJ's neighbor.) But where the line is between, "oh shit, this is not my issue but here I am taking up a lot of time and energy dealing with it," and "oh God, this person's dead, or in prison, or on the street and I should have done more."

I know for a fact that I do not do enough for people. Part of it is, like pup says, feelings that "there but for the grace of God go I." I wish that I had more skills.

Thanks, mudpuppie, for saying what you said.

Safe Journeys, Nancy.
posted by danf 05 May | 15:26
What BP said. And yeah a good thing she died in the hospital. Sad.

A friend of mine's wife has been struggling for about 4 years now with alcoholism. Same story: in & out of rehab, once for 18 months in another state. I think they're on the verge of the big D, but he's been tight-lipped and honorable all the way.
posted by chewatadistance 05 May | 15:33
I know for a fact that I do not do enough for people.

It's kind of weird, though, trying to figure out where those boundaries should be. People who don't have any boundaries tend to just kind of bulldoze everyone around them, creating (usually justified) anger and resentment. But pushing back against someone without boundaries makes you feel like you're punching goldfish in a pond; you've got no leverage against which to push, so you end up feeling mean and petty and the whole exercise seems unproductive.

I do think the best way of dealing with someone who's that hurting for limits is to set them, though. It's kind of terrifying to feel like there are no boundaries or limits or rules for one's interactions with others.
posted by occhiblu 05 May | 15:37
I know for a fact that I do not do enough for people.

danf, for people in the grip of an addiction, doing something for them is the opposite of help. It usually ends up as enabling, whether or not the helper realises it, and it stops the addict from reaching the rock bottom that's needed for recovery. Of course, some people never reach that point - they go on for ever in a horrible downward spiral of drink/drugs, or they die. The best way to help someone in the grip of an addiction is to give them information about recovery resources available ot them and leave it at that.
posted by essexjan 05 May | 16:05
Also wanted to chime in with a thanks for posting that, mudpuppie. I'm going to go with your final sentence and hope she also found some peace.
posted by Sil 05 May | 16:07
I hope Nancy has finally found peace. Thanks for sharing, mudpuppie.
posted by redvixen 05 May | 18:43
Addicts and alcoholics eventually reach a turning point. Unfortunately for Nancy, her life ended before that point arrived for her. There's nothing really that neighbors, friends, or family could have done. Perhaps now, she will find some peace from her inner turmoil and torment.

Thanks so much for the story pup. It is yet another reminder of why I must be ever diligent in my own recovery each and every day. It is a reminder of what my past was, and what my future could hold, if ...

I am forever grateful that when I reached my turning point, there was help available. I don't shut the door on my past. It, like your telling of Nancy's life, is that needed remembrance that lets me know I am in a good place now.

Prayers for all dead, dying, and recovering addicts and alcoholics will be in order tonight.
posted by netbros 05 May | 19:30
Your stories of Nancy have always been interesting, and I say "interesting" because I'm a little uncomfortable saying "enjoyable".

That your stories culminate here with such a succinct, honest eulogy... is it cold to say that this is the kind of thing I love about the internet?

Thanks, mudpuppie. Seriously.
posted by pokermonk 05 May | 20:52
(Alright, maybe it's long to be called succinct... I just mean that it's focussed and direct.)
posted by pokermonk 05 May | 20:56
I also hope Nancy has reached some sort of peace.

mudpuppie, your post was well written and thought provoking. Thank you.
posted by deborah 05 May | 22:14
Wow. I imagine Nancy was around my age... possibly even younger. I definitely have that "grace of god" feeling, but I hate the phrase because I always feel like, well - where was the grace for that person? So, I guess I'm saying, "there, but for random dumb luck, go I." RIP, Nancy.
posted by taz 05 May | 22:26
Ouch.
"What do you have to do, and how long do you have to do it, before everyone absolutely gives up on you? What line do you have to cross before your parents sell your home out from under you and your neighbors refuse to take you to the hospital? And how do you know that you've exhausted, for the final time, the goodwill of everyone in your life? How do you recognize it's happening, and how do you prevent it from happening?"—mudpuppie

Unfortunately, you can't.
No matter what you say or do, it doesn't register. That had to come from within Nancy. With a lot of prodding from those close to her that could see things aren't ok. She was incapable. Those around her were in the same boat. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.
Well done mudpuppie, you're good and tried on numerous occasions.
peace, Nancy, may she find it.

I'm very familiar with things not registering for a few that were special to me. One tries, to no avail.
Been there myself. Fortunately or somehow, one day I took action, with much prodding and appropriate direction. Still, it had to come from within. Some haven't got that, sadly.

Ever read Codependent No More: Beyond Codependency¿

You have to look after yourself in the end and preserve, the self.

posted by alicesshoe 05 May | 23:30
What do you have to do, and how long do you have to do it, before everyone absolutely gives up on you? What line do you have to cross before your parents sell your home out from under you and your neighbors refuse to take you to the hospital? And how do you know that you've exhausted, for the final time, the goodwill of everyone in your life? How do you recognize it's happening, and how do you prevent it from happening?


For me, the camel's back with my mother was something relatively minor (refusing to let me weed out the family pictures I wanted to bring to NY--most of the negatives of which had been saved--and doing it herself when I wasn't around), but I'd had enough. She is still in denial that I want nothing more to do with her; given what I was told at a family party in January.

I know that it made you uncomfortable, but saying "no" was the right thing. Please don't beat yourself up over it.
posted by brujita 06 May | 02:21
And how do you know that you've exhausted, for the final time, the goodwill of everyone in your life? How do you recognize it's happening, and how do you prevent it from happening?

In less dire circumstances, it's when people don't talk to you anymore when you reach out to them. It's when people don't want to hang out with you anymore. It's when people have the guts to say, "Listen, your behavior lately stinks and I don't think I can hang out with you anymore" without leaving you the hope of your redemption.

Sometimes it takes that last bit of "go away"-itude before one realizes that what they're doing is pushing people away from them. And even if you do get your act together, you'll never know if you'll ever get those friends back again.

I think that's the difficult thing about trying to change yourself. It's so scary to think that you'll be all alone while trying to face some of the most difficult demons you've had in your life. No wonder so many addicts find Christianity, what with the whole footsteps poem saying that Jesus is carrying you and all.
posted by TrishaLynn 06 May | 07:27
This reminds me of my mother and makes me wonder if I shouldn't be helping her file for divorce after all.
posted by Unicorn on the cob 06 May | 19:52
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