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04 April 2008
AskMecha: We received a small box of chocolate truffles through the post, with no return address or identifiable markings. Should we eat them?
Yes, of course you should eat them. If a stranger gave you candy in the park, would you not eat it? Of course you would eat it. If a man in a rusty van offered you a cheap VCR would you not buy it? Of course you would buy it. The same principle applies.
Wait, are they shipped from like, The Truffle Store? Or are they hand-made truffles? If they are handmade, do you know anyone who makes truffles and might have sent them to you?
I would eat them, but only after feeding one to the neighbor's kid and seeing if it killed him. (kidding, kidding).
No, no markings at all. They look totally handmade, and if someone's made us such a lovely gift and just forgot to write a return address or include the card I'd be hurting their feelings, right? Right?
No postmark that could at least narrow down the possible senders? Maybe they were slipped into your box by a candy-making neighbor?
Truffles should be pretty darned shelf-stable, so you could hang onto them for a while and see if someone calls to ask if you got their truffles...
...says the woman who once ate the packet of Oreos and opened half-packet of Mallomars that appeared overnight on her rural doorstep, in a ragged paper bag.
Obviously the thing to do is to draw straws to see who has to eat one, then wait 24 hours for signs of fast- or slow-acting poison. If all clear, short straw can eat the rest or choose to share.
Think back through your lives and examine every action. Did you ever do something that would make someone want to kill you in this exquisitely thought out manner? What about that kid in 4th grade who always seemed a little off? What about that time he brought you a dead mouse and you screamed and told your friends he was weird? Yeah, he became a chocolatier and has been experimenting with the perfect truffle to take his deadly revenge ever since.
The absolute best thing to do in this particular instance is forward the box to me so that I can inspect each and every chocolately morsel. I know exactly what to look for, as I have been trained in the art of deadly truffles. This is a service I am willing to extend to you. I'm willing to take my life into my hands to make sure you come to no harm.
No, don't thank me, please. Just send me the delicious, chocolatey, homemade truffles.
Do you have an enemy who lives close by? If so, pay him (or her) an unannounced visit and offer him a truffle.
If he accepts, and the truffles are not poisoned, you will have turned an enemy into a friend.
If the truffles are poisoned, and your enemy was the culprit, it will be easy to read the guilt on his face as he nervously refuses, and you will have gained the upper hand in your feud.
If he refuses, while displaying no obvious signs of guilt or distress, simply curse his name and walk away (being sure to discard the truffles in a dumpster on the way to your car).
If he accepts, and the truffles turn out to be poisoned, after all? Well, hey -- dead enemy!
The last time I heard of something like this someone found a bunch of bottles of coca cola on their porch. They had the caps on them still. Turns out someone had poisoned the coca cola and resealed them. I think a couple people ended up dying.
As someone who has posted here about making truffles, I want to go on record to say I did not send any truffles by mail this week, poisoned or otherwise.
Crush & rub them on the inside of your wrist and wait 24 hours. If there is no swelling or irritation, you may then eat one. Wait another 24 hours. If there is no distress, you may eat as much as you can. If you make it out of the woods alive, you'll be eligible for your wild-food survival merit badge.
...unless they're full of iocaine powder, in which case, unless you've spent the last years building up immunity, you're screwed.
He chickened out and won't eat them. The package was wrapped in brown paper with a Wimbledon postmark, addressed to the boy, but we can't think of anyone (nefarious intent or not) who would post such a thing from there.
I'm sure I'll end up just saying "fuck it" and eating them this afternoon with a nice espresso.
How much would you be willing to pay for peace of mind? Spend that much on new truffles and throw the others out (or put them in the freezer as evidence) Or maybe your boy sent them to poison you, throwing off suspicion by addressing them to himself. Even if he eats them and survives, don't you dare take a bite; he could have a tolerance for iocane powder.
Unless, YOU sent them to him and posted to us in an effort to throw off the authorities. . .Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Ha! I love it. No, no - the boy is guileless and could never pull something like this off, and I think you overestimate me Feisty. I recalled that in the Christie story the wedding cake was the medium, and the lonely old spinster an important characteristic for the plot - neither of which are applicable here. He ate them, and is fine.
Mystery solved! The boy participated in a survey for the car club we belong to, and the truffles were a thankyou. Why the heck they couldn't put some identification on or in the box, I dunno.