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05 February 2008
If you could re-live a day of your life again, which would it be and why?
We'd broken up. She'd left me to move to another town. I was over it, after 6 months or so. I was painting my mom's house, and she called there after not getting me at mine.
We met out on the Strand, a block away. Went to dinner. She spent the night.
It led to emotional disaster for me, several months later, as she left me again.
She called me some time after that, and I had the sense to say, "sorry, next lifetime."
But meeting her on the Strand, getting sucked back in, changed me self-image, how I do life and relationships, in a bad way. If I had it to do over again, I want to think that would have demurred.
I would not have spent the evening on coros+booze with him which lead to happy feelings that should've ended that night and not led to a traumatic pretty-much abusive relationship for the next 2 years.
Probably one of the days on my cross-country trip, ten years ago this year. I felt so free, so wide open to everything, wandering in the National Parks of the western US with majesty before me, and entire summer to spend roaming, and nothing serious on the horizon.
There are lots of wonderful days I would like to relive. If I had to pick one I'd choose the second day of my honeymoon. The entire wedding trip and honeymoon was fabulous. I'd choose the second day because we were settled and enjoying ourselves immensely, alone in a beautiful city.
I would probably want to relive that time I bought the lottery ticket, but this time would by the correct numbers so that right now I'd be lying in a hammock on a beach somewhere right now.
The night she flew to Minnesota. I wouldn't have taken too long to drive down from Fairbanks, wouldn't have stopped at the store, wouldn't have missed dinner. Would have hugged her and laughed with her and made sure she knew I loved her. I would have done everything in my power to convince her not to go.
I'd relive my wedding day because it was pretty great and also so I could make sure we had someone videotape at least the ceremony and toasts. One of saf's cow-orkers was supposed to come with his pro camera and tape as his gift to us. He flaked. I hate him beyond forever.
I would have looked at him, handed back the engagement ring, canceled the caterer and the hall, and moved him out of my apartment. I would have saved myself a lot of grief, financial disaster, and very hard times.
That said, I think every experience we have shapes us to be who we are. And if I was destined to travel through the darkness to become the me I am right now, well, it was a journey worth taking.
Can I relive 4 1/2 months? Because that's how long the best time of my life was. I've relive my UWP experience in a HEARTBEAT.
If just a day - mid 2002, where presented with a choice to head to Singapore to get a visa and meet Darren Hayes, or go with my friend to a singing contest, I'd choose Darren.
it would be january 15, 2005, the day i woke up on the floor of my room, shaking uncontrollably, the entire week nothing but a black hole where my memory should have been, desk littered with cig butts and empty vodka bottles, stomach bunched into a hard bitter quaking knot, squeezing globs of bile up my throat with each contraction, nose plugged with hard little balls of snotvomit, awash in a crushing black vortex of fear and self-loathing so thick and foreboding i could barely breathe. because if i ever forget that day, i'll be well and truly fucked.
photo by splunge
photo by TheophileEscargot
photo by Kronos_to_Earth
photo by ethylene
