Another annoying habbit: Schoolmarmishness. Showing one the error, with her finger, when I can easily pick up the page and see it. I feel irrational rage more and more.. imagining breaking that finger, for instance! This is something I would never do, too well socialised, don't worry.

So how do I fix my boss?

I am unfamiliar with the actual process and am unable to give you advice, but I can tell you that probably only a trained and licensed vet should fix her.

Once fixed, though, she will probably have done the gene pool a favor. Go for it.

Stop talking to her, unless it's absolutely necessary, and make it clear that when necessity dictates time spent together, you're there to work and nothing else, and you'd just as soon be out of her presence than in it. Don't look like you're itching to leave, just take deep breaths all the time and make yourself an automaton around her. In your dealings with other colleagues, be yourself.

It's difficult, but probable, that the less she has to complain about, the more she'll complain. Make sure the only bad things she can say about you in front of others make her look like an idiot, not you; if you're doing your job right, she'll embarrass herself figuring out nits to pick.

Remember, unless she owns the company, she's a colleague, not a boss, and she doesn't set the tone for everyone. It doesn't help that she's in a position of authority, but if you feel and act as if you're the one acting professionally and in the best interests of the company, you can relax in the knowledge that she's the problem, not you, and more importantly, she's the company's problem, not yours.

Eventually, she'll wonder why you've distanced yourself from her, and are acting so professionally around her. This is where you show a card or two. Say, "You make me uncomfortable." If she presses you or starts complaining about you, say, "We should have this conversation with [someone from HR]," or, if the company's small, "with [the responsible authority]." That seems drastic, but it's the way business goes these days. You're not working for a person, but for a company, and your responsibility is to the company, not her.

Stonewall her. If she's going to act in an unprofessional manner, act professionally. If she's going to go out of her way to pick on you, go out of your way to avoid her. And if she does pick on you, take a deep breath, smile, and think to yourself, that's the most unprofessional thing I've heard today. Where do they get people like this, and who on earth hired her?

Your attention is a gift. Don't give it to her.

"... I can't really leave this job for at least a year. It will fuck my reputation."

I think you're in the old Serenity Prayer Switches, Grace. So, I don't have any great ideas about things you could do to your boss, to fix her, so I'm gonna have to fall back on lame suggestions about coping and fixing you. Best I've got.

One of the great things about jobs in the political/public influence sphere, in most parts of the democratic world, is that they come with great fluidity. People involved in issue politics, including campaigns, lobbying, party infrastructure, organizing and public relations switch jobs whenever new opportunities present themselves, and I think there is a certain expectation that dynamic people will have a more dynamic work history than in other fields. So, I'm wondering if freeing yourself from the conclusion you're assuming in the above statement, might not be essentially liberating. Perhaps so much so, that the foreseeable future ceases being, to some extent, the year before the mast you seem to feel it must be. Or, perhaps so much, that you find other opportunities, unforeshadowed by any self-limiting presumptions regarding your reputation.

The other thing I'm wondering about is the level of stress that this job is creating for you. Most jobs are stressful, otherwise they'd be hobbies, or even paid entertainments. But there is always a point where the rewards a job offers are offset by the strains of doing the job. If you are reaching your limits on a daily basis, it will be exhausting over the long term, in ways your body and your psyche can't rebound from on a day to day basis. I've seen good results from people in such circumstances taking St. John's wort or alfalfa pills or whatever herbal remedies suit them, or entering a medically supervised program of anti-anxiety medications and treatment, but IANAD, and this is only anecdotal. Mild exercise on a daily basis is pretty helpful in managing situational stress, too.

go see a good cog-behavorial therapist. Mine has helped me keep perspective, and he was only some grad student.

what craniac says and start learning good conflict resolution skills.

It sounds stilted, but a phrase that sometimes helps if timed right and said sincerely, is "When you ____, I feel _____, because _____".


"When you (physically) point to mistakes on the page it makes me feel frustrated and angry because it treats me like a child. If you let me know there is a mistake I can spot it, and being able to identify the error independently will encourage me to not make the same mistake again."

There are plenty of ways to handle stress and conflict, find someone locally that can help teach the skills.

I like craniac's idea. You can't fix your boss by yourself; you can only change your perspective. The only other thing I would suggest is, if it is possible, get a third party to mediate. Chances are there isn't such an opportunity, but my wife went through a mediation, and while it didn't solve everything it clearly brought both sides to the point where they could see the good intentions on the other side and they could work together.

My suggestion is still best and takes future generations into consideration.

I'm scared to say anything because her patterns seem defensive. What do I do? If I say "you're snippy" I'm scared she'll say I'm snippy!

I can't think of a relationship I've seen, professional or personal, that would be improved by one person telling another "you're snippy."

Not that there aren't ways to address this, just that "snippy" seems likely to put her back up, to make her more snippy, not less. (Obviously, I don't know her, so take this as you will.)

There's a range of good advice in this thread already about changing your own perspective. Some years ago, I had this epiphany: "Gee, [this person] must be so deeply unhappy, and she has to live with herself every minute. At least I get to walk away." Suddenly, the behavior that drove me nuts became much less unbearable.

It's true that we cannot change other people. But we can change our interactions with them. I'm particularly impressed with the restrained professional language in Hugh Janus' example.

Have you tried positive reinforcement? You say she does sometimes show appreciation of your work, and it means a lot. Have you told her how valuable you find that feedback? If it helps you and your co-workers better understand project goals (or whatever), she might be motivated give more positive feedback.

Part of it could be simple personality. I've just been working with something called the Golden Business Personality Inventory, which is pretty powerful diagnostically to figure out what's going on in a workplace. You've got a high-strung boss, but I bet she's also a strategist and analyist with high energy and high standards. It sounds like does expect a high degree of competence. She's not a natural nurturer. She probably assumes you're doing a great job unless there's something to make her concerned otherwise. She's probably short on praise. She probably has trouble relaxing. She's probably very effective and gets things done. She may hate the fact that she's so cold and grating, but her impatience with the world gets the better of her. Or maybe this doesn't explain her rudeness at all (maybe she's just an unhappy person who takes it out on others...) but consider that it might be her basic mode of getting work done.

So she's concerned about your performance sometimes and it's making you anxious, because you don't respond well to her style of criticism. Maybe you could try setting up a meeting with her when there's no immediate issue at hand. You can start by saying something like "I've been here X months now, and I think I've got a handle on this skill, that skill, and the other one. I'm still figuring out how to accomplish this, that, and the other in this office. That's about where I feel I am in the job. I'm interested in hearing what areas you think I'm doing well in, and what areas you think I could improve. This job is a good one for me and I want to do well in it. Do I need to pay more attention to detail? Do I need to use different systems? etc." Then let her talk.

The reason I think this will help is twofold. First, your boss will see that you're well intentioned and want to be helpful and competent. Second, she'll understand that you're ready to hear direct constructive criticism. As in my example above, it's important to mention specific things you might need improvement in, because that lets the person know you're actually ready to hear critique. If someone thinks you're not going to be able to handle critique, they often just withold it, and it comes out in other, less direct ways.

Because you have an opposite personality type - more nurturing, idealistic, emotional - this is going to be a workplace partnership with some challenges. However, it may be that you can balance her energy well.

Are any of your co-workers trustworthy? Ask them if they had trouble adjusting to her style when they were new, or whether they have any advice for you on getting comfortable.

One thing you may be in danger of doing is turning the negative energy upon yourself. Do yourself a favor: don't assume it's "your stupidity" that causes problems. Take it easy on yourself. Anxiety is getting in the way - work on your anxiety, and I agree, some CBT would really help you get through the day, as will maybe some assertive, simple behavior like I suggested, when there's a problem.

Hi By the Grace of God!
Nice to be talking to you again:)
I’m sorry you’re having problems with your boss, she sounds like a meanie, but to have lasted this long means you’re made of much sterner stuff than you think. Sterner than me at least. I would’ve dropped that job like a hot potato; heck, I’ve walked out on jobs that were much, much better than that. But you’re different—you’re trying your best to make this situation work—so hats off to you first of all.
Secondly, I really like Hugh Janus’s advice. Don’t try and let her have the upper-hand; if she’s acting like a baby, let her. You just go about your business (I know this is not going to be easy, but do try) as if nothing’s bothering you, and she’ll soon see that she’s not having any effect on you. And that might help in her not having to torture you all the time. Also, the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might work. Your Therapist could teach you some good techniques on how to deal with the stress more effectively. I’ve had a few sessions with one myself not too long ago, and it did a world of good for my self esteem. (You could also take paulsc’s advice—this job doesn’t have to be the end all of your carrer, if it is stressing you out a lot. PS. Love, hugs and kisses:))