MetaChat - Breaking up is hard to do.

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06 June 2007

Breaking up is hard to do. And sucky. And hard. With apologies to mike9322, there is within much flailing about the ending of relationships. →[More:]
See, the deal is, I've been living for half a century in lovely Minneapolis, and as fond as I am of this town, I just -- really, really need to go live somewhere else now. Specifically, Seattle, which every time I've been there in the past several years I am overwhelmed with feelings of This is where I belong and Why am I not living here right now??

Well, the reason I'm not living there right now, and didn't just pull up stakes and move several years ago, is Mr. P., the boyfriend, whom I've been going with for fifteen years. ("Going with" means we know that marriage or living-together would never work, but we get together a couple of evenings a week for a few hours of dining/conversation/movie-or-TV-viewage, and then sporadically phone or e-mail in between. We love each other, but there's always been a lot of apartness in our togetherness.)

He most emphatically has no interest in relocating anywhere, as I discovered when I floated the idea three years ago. And I thought, "Huh, OK, well, maybe this is just a midlife-crisis whim on my part anyway, and since he is totally freaking out at the prospect of my leaving, and I don't want to hurt him like this, I'll just shelve the whole idea."

Except it's refusing to stay shelved in my head--if anything, the yearning to get the hell out of here is stronger than ever, especially since I've hit the breaking point with my current job and need to quit anyway. But I know my leaving would hurt him a lot; he's one of those very cerebral, emotionally guarded guys who lets few people get close to him, and I think I'm really the only significant source of emotional support in his life just now. Thinking about telling him I want to leave just makes my heart hurt; but I have to do it, I put in an application for a job out there the other day, and I can't go on being dishonest with him.

So I think the big conversation is tonight. Fuck fuck fuckity DAMN. Anyone have any uplifting stories about breakups that went OK and everyone was able to stay friends afterwards? (*wan grin*)

post by: kat allison at: 09:09 | 14 comments

That sounds really hard, katallison, but also as though you are doing the right thing for you.

I am sure you will handle it beautifully, with your obvious desire to respect his emotions while also maintaining your well-thought-out position and your desire for a more fulfilling life.

I wonder if it would be easier if you planned a chance for him to visit you shortly after you left, or a point a few months out where you can meet and talk about how things are going and whether anyone wants to make changes. But maybe a clean break is better; I don't know, and it probably depends a lot upon your personalities.

Best wishes.

posted by Miko 06 June | 09:38

I knew a guy who was still friends with every single woman he had ever dated. Don't know many details, but I thought it was an impressive accomplishment.

posted by loresjoberg 06 June | 09:40

It's not your job to maintain his happiness or satisfaction in life.

This will likely hurt both of you, but it sounds like you really really need to at least try it. Like Meeks said, I am sure you will do it as well as it can be done.

Good luck. We'll be here for you, to the extent that a diverse bunch of people at their computers all over the world can be.

(There are probably a fair number of people in Seattle that pine for Minneapolis.)

posted by danf 06 June | 09:52

I have a friend like that too, unfortunately I am not friends with any of my ex's. I think it's cuz the breakups always hurt, whether I initiate them or not, and I just can't get over the anger that results. One of the things I should work on I guess.

Good luck tonight, it's not easy when you know what you need to do will hurt someone else but just be strong. I think a clean break is best at first, gives time for the bad feelings to dissipate and then you could start on the "just being friends" business. Maybe he'll decide to move to Seattle and you guys could start again.

posted by LunaticFringe 06 June | 09:54

Wise words from people above.

Let me reiterate that a clean break is probably best at first. You shouldn't provide the emotional support for him wrt your breakup. It never works.

Good luck tonight, I'll be thinking of you.

posted by gaspode 06 June | 10:22

I'm more confused than ever, so I can offer nothing but sympathy and the knowledge that some anonymous person on the internet knows exactly what you're going through.

All my best.

posted by mike9322 06 June | 10:50

Wow, you guys are the greatest -- thank you so much for all the kind and wise words. I don't post or comment a whole lot on MeCha, but I read it regularly and am continually amazed at what an excellent community has developed here, which I feel very lucky to be part of.

I'll carry all your good thoughts with me into the evening, which I wish I could fast-forward right into and through, instead of sitting here at work all day getting nothing done and feeling like I'm going to throw up.

Thanks again, everyone.

posted by kat allison 06 June | 10:58

Drop me a line when you finally make it out here. Me and my posse would be happy to show you around!

Good Luck!

posted by black8 06 June | 16:54

Good luck and don't feel too much responsibility for the emotional health of others - you are the only one that you have to be responsible for. It's sweet that you are worried how he will fare, though.

posted by dg 06 June | 17:24

Good luck, and stick to your guns. Other than that, I'll just second what everyone else has said, since I think they said it better than I could! :^)

posted by redvixen 06 June | 19:15

I take the liberty to pronounce myself the katallison's twin experiment. The degrees of freedom in my case are much less and the problem is really a boundary value problem, not very well defined either. Well, I wish us both the best of luck. Sometimes, both of the twin experiments succeed. Sometimes...

posted by carmina 06 June | 19:53

Carmina, I'd be really interested to hear more about this, if you felt like saying more.

And just to recap -- yes, the conversation was had. WOW, did that suck. Oh MAN, do I feel like The Shitheel Of The Century. He is hurting a lot, and I am going to drink a great deal of straight gin now and go to bed. (And thanks again, everyone -- your words, recalled, were of material help in the worst moments of the evening.)

posted by kat allison 06 June | 20:57

Hugs to both katallison and carmina. Sorry you're both hurting. :-(

posted by occhiblu 07 June | 12:37

Hugs.

posted by Miko 07 June | 23:21

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