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30 May 2007

If you'd like, would you read a story of mine?
Even if you find the beginning terribly dull, I'd like to hear that.

I'm not looking for feedback for a class, I'm genuinely curious how people react to this story.
Allegory doesn't do much for me. It's just too thick a device to be involving, and it usually feels like having a joke explained as it is being told.
posted by paulsc 31 May | 00:38
Too long, and a little clunky. If you're going for the humor, don't wait so long to make the reader laugh.

Edit, edit, edit. Always.
posted by kyleg 31 May | 01:12
Quick points:
- The townsfolk wondering what the troll is a metaphor is the best bit of the story.
- I was pretty bored until the wife curtsied.
- I didn't like having a punchline, and I'm concerned that only a small number of people understand the meaning of "Don't feed the Trolls"
- I nearly stopped at "shattering the demur morning atmosphere." That's an overstrained phrase. Say it simpler.
- Metaphor is not spelled "metaphore"
- I'd start the story later. "It was a cold January morning when Gabriel Jones bought the troll home for breakfast."

That's all I got so far.
posted by seanyboy 31 May | 01:34
Good stuff. I don't know how that blasted "e" got on there, but lately I've been typing "hear" when I mean "here," which is even worse. Maybe I can blame it on learning a second language.

Also, I just posted a second story, and I didn't link directly to the story I wanted you to read. Sorry.
posted by Citizen Premier 31 May | 01:43
I read Golden Skates - I liked it. It made me want to read to the end. I had a video of it in my head as I read - I especially like the warehouse setting description.

I don't have any "technical" or edit type tips; One of the things I hated about high school English was that we had to analyze what we read, and to me, when I thought we should just absorb it and experience. If you didn't like what you experienced, then you abandoned.
posted by chewatadistance 31 May | 06:44
Well, I actually love analyzing, and when I write it probably shows. In fact, in my critical writing class, I put "I could write an essay on this" on someone's story as a serious compliment.
And I don't much care for technical tips anyways. seanyboy's pointers are the best I've gotten so far, including those from my professor.
posted by Citizen Premier 31 May | 06:50
I read Golden Skates and really liked it. Like chewie I could "see" the whole thing in my head. Great concept.

I didn't read the other story.
posted by deborah 31 May | 11:24
Cliche. || Everything that is wrong.