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07 July 2006

Update! [More:]
In case anyone missed jan's update request thread last night, I got a call from T. last night. Her pain had gotten worse and she was running out of the meds I brought her and wasn't able to get to the pharmacy to get her prescription filled. I told her to call in the prescription and that I'd pick it up.

Afterwards, I kept her company for a little while, watching TV and chatting. Keeping her mind off her aches. At one point she made a strange request - she wanted me to take photos of all her bruises. I'd assumed that the police had already done that, but maybe they (the bruises) weren't fully developed at the hospital. Or, maybe it was an excuse to show off her slammin' body. (OMG.) Some of them.... ow. Really ow. She's really fortunate nothing was broken.

She called me nearly in tears this morning before I got in the shower because she had woken up from bad dreams. I didn't ask what the dreams were about -- we just talked about random stuff to keep her mind off it -- but I have a pretty good idea what triggered them. I think she's more affected by this emotionally than she is letting on. Certainly can't blame her.

And the healing continues. I'm completely winging it here, and I'm not very good at talking people through things, but I do think I'm helping just by being around; she seems much more upbeat when I'm actually there than whenever we talk on the phone. I imagine I'll be spending quite a bit of time over there this weekend. I hope for her sake that she is able to return to work next week. Being cooped up in bed alone all day is not good.

No updates from the police but I imagine that process will be slow. At least they're in custody.
posted by mike9322 07 July | 07:30
good job, mike! you're a great guy. you're doing fine just talking. and listening is always a great thing too.

one good bit: when she does happen to talk about the attack itself, she'll probably talk about what happened. then you should say, "And that made you feel [such-and-such]..." or "How did that make you feel..?" it's the feelings that people don't come to grips with. once they do, they realize it's over and cope a little better. that's counselling 101 and probably 99% of psychology...
posted by shane 07 July | 07:43
You're a mensch! Being there for someone--even if you don't quite know what to say is a great help.
posted by brujita 07 July | 07:49
Keep doing what you're doing. You're good folks.
posted by sciurus 07 July | 07:50
Man, that's so rough. Really sorry to hear of this kind of random unkind act. Makes my eyes hurt.

You're a real blessing for her. Impressive but not unexpected: it's great that you're the kind of guy who does the right thing without having to figure out what the right thing is.

I think there are a lot of resources available for people who've gone through that sort of trauma, and also for people who are there helping them deal with it.

Hell, I've never met you, but I'm proud of you.

Sorry for the fractured thoughts. My brain is leaking out of my ears this morning.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 July | 07:56
mike, I've wanted to say it, but I haven't. Please take care of yourself, too. As the story goes on, my spidey sense gets to tingling. This almost stranger has had a real bad string of luck, and I am in no way blaming her for being attacked. But some people. . .being in need is a way of life for them. . .maybe draw out her past a little. . .yes, please keep doing what you are doing, you are clearly a good guy, but your boundaries are important too.

I know I sound like an asshole, and I don't mean to. You are there, this is your situation, but pay attention to your boundaries and intuitions, too. Make sure it feels right, is all. You've said things like "I'm feeling my way" and "she made a strange request" etc. which implies that you aren't entirely comfortable. Who would be, right? But if it's too much, you may burn out and she'll be left on her own.

I don't know. Take me to task, bunnies. I know I can be cynical.
posted by rainbaby 07 July | 08:00
right, mike--what rainbaby said.

don't go all "savior" for this person and try to make EVERYTHING better when she will ultimately have to do that herself. take care of yourself. if it's a relationship eventually, make sure it's based on all the right things for both of you.

and BEWARE of becoming someone's counsellor unless you're educated and paid in the position.
;-)
seriously, a REALLY close bond and trying to "fix" someone don't mix and are DANGEROUS together.

i've only learned to counsel "friends" because it seems an inescapable fate in my life, and i still avoid it like the plague.

okay, there's my practicality (cynicism?) out too.
posted by shane 07 July | 08:17
rainbaby and shane, I hear you loud and clear and have had those thoughts myself. I've made it a point not to go too far out of my way and, frankly, other than the trip to the ER to drive her home, it's worked out that I haven't had anything else to do whenever she's needed something.

I am a little wary, especially if anything romantic arises. I don't know her well enough to know how much of what I'm seeing is the real, not-having-recently-been-attacked, her.

Not to worry (but thanks!). I'm keeping my eyes open.
posted by mike9322 07 July | 08:27
seriously, a REALLY close bond and trying to "fix" someone don't mix and are DANGEROUS together.

That was the plot of every movie on Skinamax after 9pm when I was a teenager.
posted by sciurus 07 July | 08:30
Seriously people. Mike has you all soooo fooled. Clearly, HE hired those thugs, just so he could rush in a save her. His plan is working wonderfully (I am sure that "photoshoot" was her idea, right).

He's even giving her drugs people!

Open your eyes! Our cabana boy is a cabana CAD!
posted by richat 07 July | 10:36
Right, rich. I'm still waiting to be properly "thanked", too.
posted by mike9322 07 July | 11:26
You're a good guy, mike, one with an open heart. But it is good to know you're keeping your brain/head in the loop. I had thoughts like rainbaby but didn't want to voice them in case I was out of line.
posted by deborah 07 July | 13:17
You are lucky it seems...I don't many people have continued reading this far. Your cadness remains a secret!
posted by richat 07 July | 13:17
Yep. Your pals are speaking truth. Rainbaby is a sharp cookie, and having known Shane for quite a long time, I can say he is just about the sweetest, kindest guy one could ever hope to meet, so I know that when he warns you about this, it comes from a lifetime of helping people and other living creatures out. What you've done is wonderful, but you do need to be a bit on your guard to avoid the victim/savior tangle thingy.

I know you've already said you're aware, but I just wanted to throw in. Anybody can have a bit of bad luck and find themselves in need of comfort and support, but sometimes some people do use the victim role as an ongoing form of harvesting attention and sympathy, and after it's gone on a bit it can be difficult to extricate yourself or establish a more balanced relationship.
posted by taz 07 July | 16:43
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