Here's a first step

Tell him. At the very least, he'll be flattered. There's a lot to be said for unashamed admiration of another person, whether they want to hook up with you or not. Are you worried into inaction thinking about rejection? If so, it's going to be a long life.

Well, I've never been terribly good at it myself, really, so take whatever I have to say with as much salt as necessary. OK? here we go:

* Eye contact is your best friend. Make it and hold for as long as feels comfortable. Not scary-crazy eye contact, if you follow me, but the "hey, you're pretty easy on the eyes" kind.

* Touch. When you make a point in conversation, touch his hand. Again, don't go overboard with this, but a well-timed, well-placed touch speaks volumes.

* As far as what to say goes... well, I don't know either one of you, so I'm not gonna be much help there. I guess I'd advise keeping things light. Laughter is incredibly sexy.

You didn't ask for this, but I'll throw it in for free: the direct approach is often the best. Take him someplace non-booze oriented - cafe, zoo, wrecking yard, whatever seems appropriate - and let him know you're interested.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

forget about it, go off into the woods by yourself and start penning your first manifesto.

smile

kelly, you're looking pretty good tonight...

make giant charts and create a presentation for him.

You could always try using the tao of Steve, which isn't really flirting but does usually work:

- eliminate your desire
- be excellent in his presence
- retreat

Flash him a hooter. Never fails.

Flash him a hooter. Never fails.

I knew I forgot something.

I tend to be attracted to boys who are as dorky and socially inept as I am. A straightforward, "So, heh heh, wanna make out?" works for me everytime.

I've never really known how to flirt. I go with straightforward, every time - get drunk and say, hey, I like you, and see what happens. Be prepared to run far. In fact, sometimes I run immediately after saying that and then adopt weretables' method. Sometimes I start with weretables' method and that, while satisfying in it's own right, hasn't led to a healthy social life.

Either I never flirt, or maybe everything I do is flirting - I can't quite figure that one out. But at any rate, I've gone all my life without ever consciously trying to "flirt" towards a purpose, and it has worked out excellently... So maybe you don't have to?

If it feels fake and uncomfortable, I can't see how that would come off as appealing. I'm thinking that just coming out with a frank statement of admiration here and there as the situation gracefully allows would get the vital information out there and allow things to flow to some natural conclusion, for better or worse.

The touching thing is a dead giveaway, but it's terribly unpleasant if unwanted, so leave that as a last resort.

Actually, let me be more concrete. Here's "way frank":

O-of-A makes funny self-deprecating comment.

kellydamnit: Oh, no - I have to disagree; in fact, I find you the most personally and sexually attractive person I've met in the last X years.

Here's "medium frank":

O-of-A* makes funny self-deprecating comment.

kellydamnit: Oh, do you really think so? Because I was just thinking today how really [funny, bright, attractive, whatever] you are.

Of course, if O-of-A never makes a self-deprecating comment, it's a little harder... But then he wouldn't be the O-of-A, would he?

* Object of Affection

I am the worst at being upfront with guys I like. I never think they'd be interested in me and even if they are, I can never pick up on it! A guy could follow me around everywhere wearing a shirt that says "RACHEL WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?" on it and I'd just think "oh, well, Rachel's a common name, must be someone else." (No, that's never happened. But I can never tell, even when it's really obvious to everyone else. This is only with guys I'm interested in. If I'm not interested but they are I can pick up on it very quickly.)

That said, I have been told that I am a flirt. I couldn't exactly tell you how I do it...it's not something I think about. (If I do consciously try to flirt it comes out wrong, heh. Men on here who met me at the meetup, did you notice anything?) I am a little more sarcastic than usual, I think, when I'm with someone I am interested in - maybe because I'm trying not to let him think anything? I don't know.

I guess that's more of a how-not-to-do it primer. ; )

What Social Science can tell you about flirting and how to do it

I'd translate this question as "How do I tell this guy I like him without either scaring the bejeesus out of him or potentially making an ass of myself?"

You might not like the answer. Basically though, there are some things in life worth taking chances over. Be bold, be brave and you might be surprised just how well it works out.

I've always tended to go for the "talk to him, be interested in him as a person, and if there are sparks you will both feel them and things will move on naturally from there" route. It helps if there is some beer involved. But not too much.

My take on it is that frankness ("hey, I like you") and flirting (a string of nonverbal "I might like you"s) are opposites. It's one or the other.

Flirting is showing interest in a way that doesn't make it obvious you *are* interested. It makes it look like you might be, but the not-being-sure is a big part of the fun of it. It takes the overall risk of rejection and mitigates it by spreading it across a set of small interactions. The power of flirting is how you feel each interaction reducing the risk more and more until it's obvious to both how you feel. That's where you get the "high".

Being frank is only a good way to go if you think it's pretty likely he's into you already. If he's not, then it could start things kind of meh.

The same guy, not initially interested in you, could very likely be roped in with some good flirting. Because there's more intrigue, there's more to stimulate his curiousity, it's more demanding (because he has to flirt back), and because that getting-closer-getting-closer feeling is really powerful.

It's related to the thing where people don't value things that are free. They value things they have to work for. Flirting is the work you invest in a romantic relationship.

That doesn't help with flirting technique, I know. Sorry about that.

OK, here's some more detail...
I know he has at least a slight interest in me thanks to previous drunken encounters. We have gone out once in a non club setting (to breakfast after the club), where he spent a good part of the time talking about another girl.

And then kissed me as I got out of the car at the end of the night. (it was far from just a friendly kiss).

So I don't know if he's interested in me, or if it just seemed like a good idea at the time. And, I don't know if he realizes I'm interested in him.

But more to the point, flirting seems to be a useful skill everyone but me has. I can't flirt and I can't tell when people are flirting with me.
I feel like everyone in the world has been told about this method of interaction except for me. I never, never notice when people are hitting on me until they do something insanely obvious (IE ask me out or make a move of some kind). I was always under the impression that people simply didn't hit on me, but my roommate has taken to pointing it out when we're clubbing in an effort to raise my pitiful self esteem, and I guess it happens far more often than I realized. (OK, that sounds pretty damn egotistical, and I so don't mean it like that. I'm just saying, I'm totally oblivious.)

I'd just like to get a better grasp on the whole thing so I don't look like quite as much of a socially inept dufus.

Sort of on a tangent here... Kelly, I really hope you can somehow, if subliminally, entice this guy into your life if you like him that much, but I have found that the tenets outlined in "He's Just Not That Into You" are both valid and reliable. If a guy is interested, he will indeed approach you and will stop at next to nothing to do so. If he is not, your door will wait in vain for his unmistakable ding-dong. A little bit of flirting (oh come on, he knows) signals your interest. Sounds like you've done it a few times... It's up to him to make the next move. If he doesn't seize that opportunity, you can safely assume it's because for some reason he doesn't want to.

Guys, what's your take on this? Chicas, is this consistent with your history?

Some guys are shy; it takes them awhile to figure out if the woman is interested herself. Waiting for him to make the first move may mean waiting a long time, and unless he gets the idea that your amenable he may not make it at all. I say let him know what's up. It's not easy, putting yourself out there like that, but the payoff is worth it. And, if the result isn't the one you'd hoped for, at least you're not guessing anymore. You can then lick your wounds and move on.

I had the feeling that the book omitted the M.O. of the emo contingent, e.g., those who simply cannot be bothered to exert themselves to ask a woman out or pick up a friend at the airport, or hell, change the kitty litter. So there are two types of men, then? Really, I don't know and it would be helpful if someone could clarify this.

If he doesn't seize that opportunity, you can safely assume it's because for some reason he doesn't want to.
Or because he has been rejected numerous times and this, combined with a paralysing fear that you actually don't like him and he is misreading your signals completely means that he will never do anything but worship you from afar and think longingly of that one brief kiss that he got brave enough to steal thanks to a little dutch courage. Unless you give a clear signal to him, he may never do anything more. If all else fails, arrange things so that you get a little drunk together and this might loosen him up enough to come forward a bit.

postmodernmillie, there are as many "types" of men as there are men. Put the shoe on the other foot: are there only two types of women? Not in my experience, and I'm glad of it.

I meant "types" on the aggressive/nonaggressive axis. Those plots on the side of action and those on the side of inaction. There are probably many grayscale 'tweeners, but in my experience, even those with the most pathetic romantic history think nothing of rolling the die to gain the object of their desires, even in the face of probable rejection.

even those with the most pathetic romantic history think nothing of rolling the die to gain the object of their desires, even in the face of probable rejection.

Hmmm. I don't know that "think nothing" is the term I'd use. Someone coming off a bad break-up, say, might not be jumping into something new without some forethought. That's certainly been the case in my life, pathetic or otherwise, and I'm willing to bet that I'm not the only one.

I don't think it's that cut-and-dried. Just as kellydammit doesn't feel like she's an expert at flirting, lots of folks are better and lots of folks are worse at these sorts of signals. I pretty much never, ever know whether a woman is attracted to me until it's unambiguous (because we're suddenly together or she's said so). Partly this is because I don't trust my instincts. Countless times in my life I found out after the fact that a woman was interested in me but I had disregarded the clues because I didn't trust my judgment in the matter and/or didn't want to risk rejection. And the reverse situation has been true, as well.

Seems to me that you can narrow things down a bit by figuring out what type of personality the other person has. This will help you be aware of how aware they are of interpersonal signals. Some men are exactly as postmodernmillie describe, some are very different, some aren't on the spectrum she describes at all. You shouldn't discount the possibility that although the man might be attracted to you, he completely without thinking checked you off his list because, for whatever reason, he was absolutely sure you'd never be interested in him. This happens unconsciously.

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone.

From what I know of this guy, who I will admit I don't know very much about (but share many mutual friends with), he's generally fairly shy (we've been seeing each other at the club and concerts for about eight years, but have only started talking in the last few months), and not known for being a "player" or anything like that.

He is also, according to a close friend of mine, at an unusual stage in regards to relationships, in that he's nearing 30 (he's 29, I'm 26) in a subculture (goth) populated mainly by people in their late teens and early 20s, so he feels like he's too old for the majority of the girls in the "scene" and past his prime.

So, I don't know... I'll see him friday, and if I can get the courage I'll ask him to go with me to see my roommates's band play on Saturday.

Good luck, grrrlina!

Late to the game, as usual ;), but here are my thoughts, for what they're worth.

First, there's a big difference between establishing the potential/nature of a relationship and flirting. Personally, my definition of flirting does not involve seduction or come-ons. It is light and fun and playful. Babies flirt. Flirting is the simple act of making someone feel special and noticed. Again, this is my personal take on it and, admittedly, I flirt with everyone: the bus driver, your grandmother, the neighborhood feral cat - if it has a pulse, I'm likely to flirt with it. I think that making people feel good about themselves is one of the easiest ways to take the sting out of everyday living that there is.

Now, you can incorporate some flirting into finding out what's on this guy's mind, but do keep in mind that the only way you're going to know for sure is to actively and specifically communicate with him about it. Seriously. "Hey, you? Guess what? I like you in that goofy way that makes me hum Turtles' songs whenever I think about you. What do you think about thatt?" Maybe that's a little over the top, but just don't be vague.

And if it doesn't work out, be brave and remember the words of one wise cab driver, "There's a lot of fish in the air."

Good luck, lady, and keep us posted, eh?