MetaChat - How come if the white man ain't the devil...

...every time a ufo comes down and picks one up, they kick his ass?

Crank it up fuckers.

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 12:48

Remember: The Lord loves a workin' man, don't trust Whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it.

posted by me3dia 09 September | 12:50

I don't understand what any of the points that are being made here are, but when does the anal probing start?

posted by iconomy 09 September | 12:52

Like I say to every ufo pilot I see:

"You touch us with your hands, we're gonna break your arms."

Then they go with the fucking tentacle things, treating me like some devil...

...then the anal probing starts. I don't know what to make of it.

posted by Hugh Janus 09 September | 12:57

I don't understand what any of the points that are being made here are, but when does the anal probing start?

Usually after the 6th Panzerfaust* in my house.

*Panzerfaust:
Take a 40oz of King Kobra, drink 1/3.
Top off with Blackberry Brandy.
Shake.
Muddle two limes and an infusion of mint leaves in simple syrup.
Throw those limes and syrup out the window you yuppie nonce.
DRINGGGG IDDD!

Ps.
I broke metachat by putting a laser in its tushy.

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 13:02

My theory is someone told the aliens that there's money hidden in Jethro's bunghole.

posted by jonmc 09 September | 13:07

Ps.
I broke metachat by putting a laser in its tushy.

You may be interested in this week's Straight Dope, then.

posted by me3dia 09 September | 13:08

Divine_Wino-Is that an actual drink? Tell me it is and that you've had it. Please.

posted by omiewise 09 September | 13:11

That recipe was hysterical.

posted by rainbaby 09 September | 13:19

I've had sips of one, I named it a panzerfaust, the guy who made it called it something like "superdrunk" or something but he seemed to have had a bunch of them over the course of his life so I won't fault him for lack of creativity. It was pretty horrible, I don't think I could take a whole one.

My friend and I name a drink, Guaranteed Bedhead, but I don't know what goes in it yet.

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 13:22

pps.
Lately I am one typomatic mammyfucker. Jeepers.

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 13:23

I'd drink something called typomatic mammyfucker.

posted by rainbaby 09 September | 13:32

typomatic mammyfucker:

Pour 2 fingers of Old Grandad over crushed ice.
Pour a two count of Grenadine.
Add the filter of one kool mild (lightly toasted).
Allow to sit for one week.
Lock yourself in the bathroom and cry for america.
Garnish with a cocktail onion.

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 13:36

Throw that onion out the window you elitist sham!

posted by Hugh Janus 09 September | 13:43

Throw those limes and syrup out the window you yuppie nonce.

This is very funny, and you get a nickel for the use of "nonce".

posted by Specklet 09 September | 13:48

Who said that? I cannot see over my giant monocle and hessian walrus mustache. Call my butler and tell him to bring my pheasant gun around to the front so I can shoot that impertinent whelp in the crotch.

Hey Hugh:
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THEY ESTAbLISHMENT IS COOKING?

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 13:48

Also Hugh,
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Specklet,
I am going to take that nickel and buy a cold bottle of buttermilk with it.

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 13:50

CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THEY ESTAbLISHMENT IS COOKING?

All I can smell right now is the half gallon of perfume the office drunk uses to cover up her liquid lunch.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

You're locked in the bathroom, crying.

posted by Hugh Janus 09 September | 13:55

All I can smell right now is the half gallon of perfume the office drunk uses to cover up her liquid lunch.

Actually, the half-gallon of perfume was her liquid lunch. Cat musk packs a major buzz, dude.

posted by jonmc 09 September | 13:56

That's like drawing a mustache on your own lip with a Sharpie in order to get high off the fumes.

posted by Hugh Janus 09 September | 14:02

Hugh, you've mentioned her before. Gin, wasn't it?

I think you should (after "lunch") one day tell her that you really like her perfume. Tell her it reminds you of this.

posted by Specklet 09 September | 14:19

It amuses me that everyone (seriously, top to bottom) in the office knows why she ladles on the perfume, but nobody says anything. If I weren't newish and considerate, I'd say something like:

"Everyone from your boss' boss to that brand new temp over there knows you cover up liquor with perfume. You're not fooling anyone. You could get the same effect (everybody knowing you're drunk) without burning my nostrils if you stoppered the scents."

Seriously, it damages my sense of smell. Now that I can't perceive the perfume anymore, I know it's done it's worst: everything, everywhere I go, will smell like shit for the next several hours.

If I find that I can no longer taste the subtleties in a sip of wine (or a belt of ripple), I will take corrective action. Like buying that G&T perfume, Specklet.

Damn office drunk. If only there was an office slut as well, Fridays would be more diverting. What am I saying?

Maybe I just don't know her well enough.

posted by Hugh Janus 09 September | 14:34

Hugh,
Is it that kind of old lady air freshener perfume? the kind when someone is a guest somewhere at a fancy house and they have to take an emergency duece and it's that little hall closet half-bathroom that has like people playing polo on the wallpaper and fancy paper napkins in the little gold plated stand on the sink and the bathroom opens right into the sunken living room where everyone is having G&T's and salmon spread on ritzs and the dump is a real 4 alarm job and so they grope around under the sink and come up with that can with the flowers all over it and they spray half the can and try to sneak out of the bathroom and now everywhere smells like chalky chemical dead flowers and dooky?

'Cause if it's that kind of perfume your only possible solution is to walk right up to her and just positivly scream in her face:

YOU FUCKING STINK, YOU STINK ASS PERFUME NAZI COCKSUCKER. I HOPE YOU DIE AND NOBODY COMES TO YOUR FUNERAL BUT SOME BUM THAT THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE FOOD.

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 14:44

Actually what really livens up a workplace is an Office Gun Enthusiast, or if that's unavailable, an Office Ukulele Player.

Here we just have an Office Jehovas Witness, a hefty afro-carribean guy who wears slacks and dress shirts so tight they make lim look ready to burst like an overcooked braciole.

posted by jonmc 09 September | 14:47

Mmmm, braciole. I forgot about lunch again. Maybe the vending machine has some shattered pretzels or cookies waiting for me.

I can't even say the words "perfume Nazi cocksucker" out loud without laughing. I'm calling Godwin.

posted by Hugh Janus 09 September | 15:00

Godwin can't do anything for you. Although "perfume Nazi cocksucker" might be an interesting new way to bring up Hitler to end a conversation.

posted by me3dia 09 September | 15:09

If you do get him on the phone, you can tell him from me he's a stupid internet meme nazi cocksucker and he stinks like perfume.

posted by Divine_Wino 09 September | 15:11

Godwin says to tell you he understands your anger. Right now, though, he needs a drink but is understandably wary of the Panzerfaust.

At least it doesn't smell like geraniums in here.

posted by Hugh Janus 09 September | 15:19

...then the anal probing starts. I don't know what to make of it.
posted by Hugh Janus 09 September

So were you named "Hugh Janus" before the anal probing?

posted by Fuzzy Monster 09 September | 17:29

I have a personal theory about Alien Anal Probing... I think the first TV show they successfully translated to alienese was "Winchell Mahoney Time".

Just sayin'.

posted by wendell 09 September | 20:04

09 September 2005